Humility

A great saint once wrote:

"Allow me to remind you that among other evident signs of a lack of humility are:

—Thinking that what you do or say is better than what others do or say;

—Always wanting to get your own way;

—Arguing when you are not right or — when you are — insisting stubbornly or with bad manners;

—Giving your opinion without being asked for it, when charity does not demand you to do so;

—Despising the point of view of others;

—Not being aware that all the gifts and qualities you have are on loan;

—Not acknowledging that you are unworthy of all honour or esteem, even the ground you are treading on or the things you own;

—Mentioning yourself as an example in conversation;

—Speaking badly about yourself, so that they may form a good opinion of you, or contradict you;

—Making excuses when rebuked;

—Hiding some humiliating faults from your director, so that he may not lose the good opinion he has of you;

—Hearing praise with satisfaction, or being glad that others have spoken well of you;

—Being hurt that others are held in greater esteem than you;

—Refusing to carry out menial tasks;

—Seeking or wanting to be singled out;

—Letting drop words of self-praise in conversation, or words that might show your honesty, your wit or skill, your professional prestige...;

—Being ashamed of not having certain possessions..."

Have your kids read this!

Am I Over-Parenting?

We are trying to be the best parents, studying and reading all we can and still we can be doing it all wrong! I think it brings out one of the worst fears a parent has and allows us to ask a not-so-simple question: am I over-parenting in sports and in life, or am I challenging my children enough so they accomplish more in life? Finding this balance is the key and for most of us parents,  there have been times when this balance is lost and we don't even know it!

One day, a few months ago, my daughter, after 8 years of serious Olympic gymnastics training (since she was three years old!) told me she was quitting.  She liked doing it and was good at it but what she had never told me was that she did it mainly because she thought that it made me happy. She liked the sport and was excellent at it, but there was a point when she would have to choose between playing soccer or flag football with her friends in a more relaxed environment or training for the upcoming regional championships. I was willing to stay with her as many hours at training as she needed and travel as far as she had to go for a competition. There were no emotions comparable to the feeling I had of coming back with the trophy or gold medal after 5 hour at the competition: I was having fun.

I did gymnastics when I was young, but I was never as good as she was. I was heavy and tall so I couldn't jump so high, so seeing her jump and turn with such perfection was beyond anything imaginable. One day, someone in the family told me that she thought my daughter didn't like the sport as much as I did, and that she did it because I loved it. Those words struck me, but I dismissed them; I felt all the love she had for me and how hard she was trying to demonstrate it to me, but at the same time we never talked about it. Until that day a few months ago, when we had the conversation, she was now twelve.

She told me (and I thought she was so mature when she said it) that she knew that at this level she would have to sacrifice her friends, play time, free time and more on training and that she rather enjoyed being with her school friends and play team sports for fun even when they didn't win much.

I felt happy we talked, and sad that it ended. I told her I was proud of all her accomplishments in life and proud of her, just because of herself as she is. I asked her to never do things for me, to do things that she knows are the right thing to do, and do them for herself.

I love you Clari!

Why Won't My Children Listen ?!?!?

Sometimes we give orders to our children and they don't obey.  Why is it that they don't get it? There are many things that influence obedience: the perception of Authority, Prestige, Service, characteristics of our demands, age of our children, etc.

Children disobey for many reasons:
- to call our attention, or they want to do something with you and you might just want him to go and do something on his own.
- because they are distracted on doing a more pleasant activity; they are watching a funny TV show, or playing at the back yard, they don't feel like changing activities.
- they simply didn't listen to the order or didn't comprehend what we said.
- they could have received many orders at the same time, like: "go call your dad, tell him to pick up your brother at baseball, and buy milk, and tell him that the doctor called and said to call him back, and please take a shower, and pass me my purse, and hurry up, dinner is almost ready."  The poor child might call dad and tell him to buy milk, but he most likely will forget the rest.
- if you prove to be not firm regarding your orders, they know that by the time you said that order 5 times, you will end up doing it yourself, so they simple don't do it.
- we as parents might not know how to enforce authority at home.

Next time before you scream in despair:
1. stop!
2. observe, ask yourself how? or why?
3. inform yourself, ask them what they are doing? what happened? when?
4. be objective not emotional; think, should I be firm or flexible?

Work on your communication - tone of voice and chosen words - be clear; don't repeat the order.  Positive reinforcement, organizational skills, routine, just a few norms and rules on important matters, in accordance with their age - this will do.

A good idea is to post a chart with rules and chores, so they can see it and know what you expect from them and at what time. This will make them work on freedom of their time, but respecting house rules and routines.

Also: enforce obedience with incentives, rewards or punishments, according to their age and with justice.

Good luck!

A new year - what can we do?

St. Josemaría puts it best when he says that in every new year "...let us take a good honest look at our own lives. How is it that sometimes we just can’t find those few minutes it would take to finish lovingly the work we have to do, which is the very means of our sanctification? Why do we neglect our family duties? Why that tendency to rush through our prayers, or through the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass? How are we so lacking in calm and serenity when it comes to fulfilling the duties of our state, and yet so unhurried as we indulge in our own whims? You might say these are trifling matters. You’re right, they are, but these trifles are the oil, the fuel we need to keep our flame alive and our light shining. (Friends of God, 39-41)"

 All the best to you and your family in this new year 2012! 

Hope (because you can!)

Hope is to expect with confidence, to be realistic, to have a goal and to live in the present where God is with us. Live with the determination that we can reach that goal and having a realistic plan on how are we going to reach for it with specific actions right now. 

Our children should know themselves on a positive and realistic way and should have a project for life, something to fight for, a reason to be living.

Where am I going?  How should I live my life? What qualities in human beings are admirable and worth emulating? What goals are worth pursuing? What leads to fulfillment in life, and what does not? This is the most important project they should be working on, and having that in mind they will be living a better right here and right now, with hope for a future. 

In this present instant is where we have all the grace of God and His help to overcome the difficulties of today.

Stop living in the past or afraid of the future, start living the present because today you CAN, you have His help!

Forgiveness

It is true that someone made me suffer or that they hurt me or my feelings, and it is true that I am patient and flexible, but do I truly forgive and forget??? Our culture teaches us revenge, indifference or avoidance, not forgiveness; you see it in movies, TV, everywhere, but is not right to live in a payback mode, it makes no sense and it is exhausting. 

When you forgive, you are not accepting evil or ignoring it, you are understanding that such person has done you harm, but it is not up to you to judge his or her intentions. It could have been a misunderstanding, lack of communication, it could have even been done with good intentions.

Evil does not come from external circumstances, it comes from the way we react to those circumstances.  If evil enters our heart with hate, resentment or anger it is because we have an emptiness in our hearts, a lack of hope and love. If you live your life focusing on doing good to others, you may suffer when others hurt you, but you will not hate.

When you forgive, you set yourself free from resentment and contempt; when you hate someone that hurt you, you keep thinking of that person all the time, you are chained, enslaved to him or her. When you make peace with him or her, you set yourself free!  You will be amazed of the great feeling that comes from forgiving. It is heroically hard for the other person to get in front of you and ask for forgiveness and it is heroically hard to truly forgive.

When we see our children practicing the act of asking for forgiveness and forgiving, we should reward them because it is a truly important virtue to learn. As life gets more and more complicated, they will have to practice forgiveness regularly to maintain healthy relationships and to become great adults.

Modesty - protect your family!

A person’s dignity depends upon living in a manner that will achieve the purpose for which he was created, to be sons and daughters of God.

“Modesty protects the intimate center of the person. It means refusing to unveil what should remain hidden. It is ordered to chastity to whose sensitivity it bears witness. It guides how one looks at others and behaves toward them in conformity with the dignity of persons and their solidarity”[1].

“Modesty is decency. It inspires one’s choice of clothing. It is discreet”[2].

"Modesty of the feelings as well as of the body: The forms taken by modesty vary from one culture to another. Everywhere, however, modesty exists as an intuition of the spiritual dignity proper to man. It is born with the awakening in them respect for the human person.

A modest person recognizes the value of his own privacy and respects that of others. He protects his privacy from the gaze of others."[3]

From these definitions we can see that there are four areas in which we have to consciously work to live the virtue of modesty:

1-Custody of the eyes. Avoid permanent damage that can be done to you and your kids forever: be mindful of what is seen on TV and the Internet. 

2-Manner of speaking. With discretion and charity. Not revealing all the information you have to everybody, especially your private family matters. Seeking guidance from someone you trust.

3-Manner of dress. With decency, elegant, beautiful.

4-Manner of acting.  Motions, walking, gesturing, touching, sitting, bending to pick up something from the floor, with grace and elegance.

Our home is not only our castle, but also a place of privacy where we retreat to reflect, to relax, to be ourselves. Take good care of it. Protect your family!

[1] Catechism of the Catholic Church, #25221

[2] Catechism of the Catholic Church #2522

[3] Raise Happy Children, Teach Them Joy