Find Parents That Come From The Future - No time travel required

Today I was thinking of preventive parenting; how we can be more proactive about raising great, strong men and women that will be ready to face adversity in the world.

One of our strategies as parents, has always been to make friends with other parents that "come from the future." It is a very simple form of time travel: befriend parents that have children of an older age range than our children. When our children were 1 to 10 years old, for example, we looked for friends that had children between 10 to 18 years old; parents with more kids typically would provide bigger age ranges. 

The benefit? You will start seeing what comes next, what are the challenges their older children are overcoming, what is working for these parents and what is not working. Also, you will learn what tools are available out there now, like books, clases, clubs, etc., so you can educate yourselves and make sure that your children have the right tools in their life backpacks to overcome adversity, struggle, being neglected, bullied... and prevent or avoid these situations when possible, and deal with them when they are inevitable. 

Being better prepared as parents is important, always leaving our worries in the hands of GOD, knowing that we are not alone; He has our backs. 

No Participation Trophies

When our kids were growing up in the early 2000s and 2010s, every player in every team, in every league, in every sport, received a medal and even a trophy, just for participating. There was barely a recognition of the team or player who performed the best, who won the gold medal through skill and effort; "everybody was a winner".

Fast forward to this worldwide-once-every-hundred-years pandemic, with hundreds of thousands of businesses destroyed by shutdowns, millions of quality employees without work, and you notice that the kids that were raised with a sense of entitlement, those who always "won", even if they never won a game,  have come face to face with the real world, where there are a few winners and many losers, where life is hard and “making it” requires effort, lots of it.  

In these very challenging and rapid-changing times, we are seeing many examples of kids that were raised to value hard work, persevere in the face of adversity and adapt to change without crumbling, succeeding and standing out. 

If you want to give your young kids a competitive advantage in the real world, do not give them participation trophies.

Coronavirus Quarantine

Today my head is overflowing with ideas on how to make the best of this voluntary quarantine.

We are living a Pandemic.

How can we make the best of it while following the recommended self quarantine? Five children, ages 13 thru 25, three active on online classes, four of us on remote work.

So how can we organize everything? Don’t go crazy and focus on personal growth for you and for your children. Looking to grow in generosity, self-discipline, patriotism, citizenship, charity, responsibility, fortitude, decision making, leadership, prudence, temperance. 

Take care of three main things:

First, your spiritual life: grow in inner peace and be able to protect that inner peace. Also, this pandemic coincides with lent, so we can start by offering all this to God as a prayer, leave all your worries in His hands and accept His will. Make sure to include your children and spouse. Offer to God the little things, like the inconveniences and set-backs of cancelled trips, cancelled meetings, cancelled concerts, cancelled tournaments and also, offer to God the big things that can go from getting sick yourself all the way to the death of a loved one.

Second, take care of your body/health, this includes having a healthy meal plan, preparing your body and your family to be in the best possible shape to be ready if the virus visits your home. Green juices, salads, broths, lots of water. Expose yourself to some sun for a little while. Download an exercise app, for running if you can run outside, for legs, abs, yoga, etc. Do a 30 day, 100 abs repetition challenge with the whole family, make it fun.  Keep social distance with your friends at all times.

Finally, take care of your brain study/work and prepare clean working stations with different purposes, some quiet spaces for quiet work and a different space for video conferences. If you are using a bedroom, make sure the closet doors are closed and that you made your bed, make the working area an enjoyable, clean, orderly place. Little kids should respect the silence needed for the important meeting video or conference call.  Make and extra effort to keep the noise down; don’t turn on the vacuum cleaner or the mixer, or the TV too loud while they all work.

If you do not have outside work obligations, you might want to use this time to learn something new, take an interesting online class, listen to an interesting podcast... my favorite is Jordan B. Peterson.

We are all in this together! It will all pass soon! Be patient and remember that the world needs us to be cheerful and healthy in these challenging times! Good luck!

Respect

In a world where insults and evident acts of disrespect are strewn all over most news media and virtually in all social media, teaching our children about respect is urgently necessary.

- Respect is the most important virtue that our children should embrace. 

- It must be engrained in them that in order to be respected, they have to respect others. 
- Respect must be shown always, in all environments, virtual and in person.
- Show respect in order to earn respect.

"Children want to see their imperfect, dysfunctional parents dance in the kitchen..."

"Children want to see their imperfect, dysfunctional parents dance in the kitchen, say "I love you" when they get off the phone, pray together, kiss as they say goodbye and speak highly of each other. Those moments of affection provide assurance to our kids – the world isn't all bad. Things are going to be OK at home."

From a great article you can enjoy by clicking here.

Simon Sinek on Millennials in the Workplace

4th Grade is Over - Don't Panic, Make the Best of This Time!

Our fifth child, our youngest, is reaching the end of  the most beautiful school year: 4th grade -  where everything is magic, where they see their teachers and parents as super powerful and super heroes, where they feel the absolute security that everything around them is under control, that there is no need to be afraid, no need for money, no secrets kept, pure and absolute innocence and truthfulness. 

Fifth grade will be full of physical and hormonal changes, full of challenges, transitions. Girls will begin to be mean to each other, they will start with their little clicks, their friends will start hiding things, testing their power, feelings will be hurt, they will start to show inclination to like some kids more than others. 

To all our friends and readers with kids finishing 4th grade these days:

Enjoy time together, enjoy playing together, enjoy this last summer of pure innocence and joy,  of being a kid at its full potential and welcome the next stage in their lives.

Keep feeding them the healthiest foods and instilling the best habits, big ideas, hope, positive thoughts and an optimistic way of seeing life.  Keep guiding them on what is right and what is wrong,  let them help you when you cook or do chores, let them participate in all you do, make sure you know they know they are very important members in your family. 

Good luck!

On Dating: Helping Our Children Find Mr. or Ms. Right - Part 3: Warning Signs!

[This is the third installment in a series of posts based on great ideas, thoughts and inspirations we have read and collected on dating and that we have been trying to transmit to our teenagers and young adults since their pre-teen years]

Recently, I went to a fantastic talk about dating and marriage, given by my friend Pilar L.

These are some of the warning signs that they (and us!) have to be on the lookout for and what we should tell our kids in each case:

She made a great case about educating our children on the warning signs that they have to be on the lookout for when they are dating. These warning signs are caused by underlying issues that our sons or daughters are not equipped or be able to fix or resolve;  issues that will most likely require professional assistance. 

- Addictions. Any type of addiction like gambling, drinking, drugs, pornography; they are illnesses and require professional help.  A 17 or 21 or 26 year old  simply cannot not pull out another 17, 21 or 26 year old from an addiction. It is not his or her job to do it!

"The best that you can do is to end the relationship right away, no matter how painful it is. It is a fact that your boyfriend's or girlfriend's addiction will always come first, before them, their interest, and is not because that person doesn't love them, it is because he or she can't help it. Life is to short! Move on!"

- Disrespectful behavior. Bad language, bad words, bad behavior, propensity to get into fights, shows a pattern of disrespectful conduct that will most likely turn into worse behavior as life goes on. "You deserve a person that respects everybody and you in particular. If they don't respect others, they will most likely disrespect you."

- Lack of commitment and indecision.  A girl or guy that starts with low self esteem that is evident in their lack of commitment, can't choose, can't take responsibilities for their actions. "You need a committed, decisive person by your side, that will help you and help you steer of your life and that of your children, you have to have a clear common North, guiding your own life on the right path to achieving your goals."

- The problematic person. There are people that always seem to have problems around them. Problems at school, problems at home, problems at work. That person needs to find a center in his/her own life to be able to form a partnership with another person. It is his/her time to seek professional help, fix his or her problem and move on. It is not your son or daughter's responsibility to fix something that she/him lacks the knowledge and time to do. "Life is to short to be dealing with their problems and trying to build a relationship... move on!"

- The controlling type. You know, the one that limits your freedom up to the point that you can't breath. "They are very dangerous, because they start with little things and, little by little, get to the point where he/she has to tell you what to wear, where to go, who your friends are, everything. He/she pulls you away from your family and friends, because his or her insecurities. Run away from these people. You cannot live in fear, there is no need or time for that."

...more soon!

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Others in this series: 

Part 1

Part 2

Part 4

Parenthood in One Picture

From Reddit: parenthood in one picture....

Social Emotional Learning = Character Building

It was my turn to give a small talk yesterday to a group of moms about teaching virtues to our children. To prepare, I went back to my notes on a talk on virtues that I heard at our kids' school a couple of years ago, where a non Christian speaker who gave the talk, mentioned how much easier it was to teach Social and Emotional Learning in Christian schools than in any other school, because these schools made an emphasis on teaching virtues.  

"Social and Emotional Learning", she said,"... is the process through which children and adults acquire the knowledge, attitudes and skills they need to recognize and manage their emotions, demonstrate caring and concern for others, establish positive relationships, make responsible decisions, and handle challenging situations constructively"

I call that: character building.

The virtues needed to build character are: friendship, teamwork, honesty, responsibility, problem solving, respect, kindness, fairness, self-control and compassion. 

The speaker at our school went on to mention that teaching and reenforcing these virtues to school children have had the following positive effects in the short term:

• Improved class attendance

• Positive attitude towards learning

• Less children expelled from school

• Up to 14 percentile point improvement on standardized tests

• 11% higher GPAs

• Improved team work and participation

• Better concentration, among many others.

All these empirical and anecdotical results make perfect sense; they show that if you practice raising kids focusing your teaching objectives towards improving good habits and virtues, our children will have a solid foundation to live cheerful, successful lives and help others while doing it.

This is a daily effort and a life-long undertaking. Let's keep on doing it! Good luck!

Living the Virtue of Poverty

We just finished packing and sending 130 backpacks that we have collected as donations for poor school children in Venezuela. They are part of an ongoing project (Instagram: #donatubultoytulonchera) to provide young poor children with school supplies. It is great to see the many generous people in South Florida that have helped.

Living the virtue of Poverty has nothing to do with living in poverty. It means using everything we own with care, not throwing away things that are no longer trendy or are just old. It means sewing buttons on shirts, repairing shoes, instead of throwing them in the trash.

Coming from South America, where many things tend to be scarce, perhaps practicing this virtue is easier than in the US:  the land of abundance, where it is so easy to buy new stuff that we may or may not need.  It is no wonder that the US is the most generous country in the world in absolute terms when it comes to donations, but we can do much better. We can teach our children (and remind them constantly) to take care and repair what they own, making sure that they don't throw away what they can donate to the most needy.

Tell your children: "Set Your Goals, Visualize a Path"

Recently I had an encounter with a group of 17 and 18 year old boys and we were talking about college acceptance, prom, what to do with their free time and what did they look for in a college, when suddenly I asked them: What are your goals in the short and long term, in life, for your intellect, for your spirit and for your body?

This is something they should be contemplating since they are 14 years old - yes, that young and even younger- when they are still living at home and have some parental guidance.

It is a great exercise to picture themselves in 5 years, in 15 years, in 50 years; have them picture their perfect wife/husband,  what attributes would they like her/him to have, have them ask themselves how they would like to be remembered when they die. This might look a bit morbid to some,  but these are defying and defining questions.  It is important to plant that seed of what do they want to do with their life and have them visualize their path. They should know that it is no longer mom's or dad's decision and that it needs a lot of preparation to get where they think they may go.

Examples are: 

5 year goal: Graduate from high school or graduate from College in 4 years. 

10 year goal: Work productively, be an entrepreneur or some kind of social work goals like founding a charitable organization to help build schools in Latin America, for instance.

15 year goal: get married and have my own family and children if possible.

And so on and on...

This will give our youngsters something to aim for; aim for success, aim for happiness, aim to leave a legacy, to be somebody. Only by guiding them from their early teens in the direction they choose, we will help them focus in more depth, thinking constructively into the future instead of only looking only for immediate gratification and not thinking seriously about their future. 

Hopefully, they will keep growing spiritually and intellectually. Good luck!

How to make work-life balance work - Great Video!

Nigel Marsh - How to make work-life balance work: priceless TED Talk on this very crucial subject for all parents. Don't miss it!

25 Things People With 5+ Siblings Know to be True

The eldest of our five found this amazing list and we want to share it with all of our readers. It is the most comprehensive, funny and accurate list we have ever seen... enjoy!

25 Things People With 5+ Siblings Know to be True

How to Get Your Children to Want to do Their Homework and Other Thoughts on Willpower

Many years ago, when our now much older children where around 4 or 5 years old, I took several courses on how to motivate our children to have will power and to be proactive, but I was not aware then of how important this would be in their lives. Now that our daughter is living by herself and studying away in college, she has to wake up early in the morning without anyone telling her to do so, she has to go to school with a ride or in a bus, because she has no car, she has to do the work in school, she has to cook and clean up after herself - she is on her own, and she is thriving. 

This is a result of years of training, training her on the correct use of her freedom, training her will power, training her to overcome difficulties, it was not something that was achieved from one day to the next.

We are all subject to intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. Extrinsic motivation is the one that moves us to do things because we will have an external reward like a trophy, public recognition, money, etc. This kind of motivation usually requires us to be supervised, to have someone around to tell us to do something. When things get done this way, it gives us satisfaction but not joy, moves us to do things at the beginning, but after we receive the reward it may not necessarily make us happy. It doesn't help us mature. 

With intrinsic motivation the reward is in the achievement itself, because we did the right thing, we overcame a particular difficulty, etc. and this kind of reward is different, it gives us joy, makes us a better person, helps us grow and mature and gets us closer to God.

Every decision passes through intelligence and willpower, first you think about what you need to do, what your options are, the consequences of each option and then is the willpower that will make you do things. Just like our intelligence, willpower needs to be trained too. 

Our job as parents is to help our children by making an effort to train their willpower by helping them overcome laziness and short cuts in life: waking up everyday at the same time - living that heroic minute of waking up right away without giving it much thought- always being on time, learning how to wait for their turn, to be patient for the rewards of the efforts, to be strong, to have courage... it is an ongoing natural process that takes most of their childhood. 

Focus on mentoring your children so they can find the intrinsic motivation when doing every task.  It could be fixing their room, doing homework, getting home on time, not doing drugs. 

Train them from a young age: 

- 3 year old toddlers can be tremendously happy just putting their dad shoes inside the closet.

- 6 year old children will feel proud of themselves when picking up their plates from the table as well as those of the rest of the people at the table.

- 11 year old preteens can feel happy when helping a friend in school with their homework, especially if they notice themselves that their friend is struggling and needs help.

Always remind them that they should not need a policeman watching over them to do the right thing; to always act facing God, not out of fear, but out of love. Tell them to be truthful with themselves: they will know in their hearts if they put in their greatest effort in completing the task, finishing their whole homework, cleaning up their room, etc.

In the beginning, they will need our supervision and our help, but after a while (years that go by too fast!) they should be able to do well on their own and feel great about themselves. Good luck!

The 6 Things You Need to Tell Your Children Participating in Sports

Experts that studied college athletes and asked them what their parents said that made them feel great and brought them joy while playing sports, have made things incredibly simple for us parents with kids that participate in sports.

Based on psychological research, the three healthiest statements moms and dads can make as kids perform are:

Before the Competition:  
Have fun.
Play hard.
I love you.

After the competition:
Did you have fun?
I’m proud of you.
I love you.

And, get ready for this, the six words that our kids want to hear us say the most:

"I love to watch you play"

This is genius! Memorize this for their next game!

Take Photos of Your Kids Before Heading Into Crowds

This is one of those tips you hope you'll never have to use, but it can make a huge difference if you do.

No parent wants to think about losing track of their kids in a crowd, but it's best to be prepared just in case.

Reddit user Ozstriker has a simple and excellent idea: use your iPhone or Android phone to take a picture of your children before heading to the beach or amusement park.  If you get separated, you'll be able to show good samaritans a very recent photo of your kid wearing that day's outfit. 

What Do We Want To Accomplish As Parents?

I always say it... it is a miracle that we made it to adulthood in one piece!

Show this excellent video to your children and try to help them grasp how the world was before they were born just a few decades ago. Use it to help them understand why we want them to go out and play, to explore, to take risks (according to their age, of course).

We have to always remind ourselves that we are not raising children, we are raising confident, centered and independent adults that,  in just a few years, will have to fend for themselves in this complicated world.  We can only hope and pray that we do a good enough job, so they can lead a fulfilling and joyful rest of their lives.

Enjoy!

The Importance of Roughhousing!

Excellent video post that we agree with completely...

New Year's Resolutions - revisited

We published this blog entry 6 years ago. It is still as relevant to us as it was then, when our five kids where all younger than 12 years old... time flies!
Happy New Year 2013!
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With only two more days left in the year, we start to think about the things we did, the things we didn't do, the projects we accomplished and all the things we want to do next year.


Every year we guide our kids through a little exercise that my father taught me: we sit down in the living room, put on good music, have a warm drink like hot chocolate and a bring a notebook so we can start writing down this year's accomplishments and our new goals for next year.

Some questions we use to get them started:

Did I do enough sports and exercise? Did I do my best in my team? Am I eating right or am I having to much junk food? Did I stop biting my nails? Have I done good to others? How have I treated my friends, my brothers and sisters, my parents?
How did I do at school? What can I do to improve my grades, my reading level, my math skills? How is my handwriting? Can I do better? Am I learning new languages and music? Am I being challenged?
How did I treat God this year? Have I forgotten Him? Have I read good spiritual books?

It is important to always remind them that good intentions are not always enough to accomplish our goals. The most likely reason that we did not achieve our goals is that we lacked perseverance, lacked motivation or we simply set unrealistic goals.

Usually we like to see results right away and we fail because we want to run a sprint instead of a marathon. Sometimes we don't want to move from the comfort zone we are in now. We need to persevere with strength; the continuous effort on the things we set out to do, is something that will help us be different, to stand out from the crowd. With a little effort every day, we can accomplish our goals.

In order to persevere, we must set realistic goals and be clear about our motivation. Even if the goal seems far away, the fuel that keeps our perseverance going is what drives us in the first place: it can be that somebody is counting on us, or that somebody has put their trust in us. Only we have the ability to produce a change inside of us.

Our next year resolutions must be realistic and very few. They cannot be impossible, they must be attainable, so we build confidence in ourselves first and later, as our confidence and strength grows, we can accomplish more demanding goals. Plan ahead, and keep track of your progress.

Finally, we encourage them again to don't give up, to persevere. We remind them that their parents and brothers and sisters will help them along the way to their goals as best we can.

These year-end meetings are getting better every year and we have made them a tradition, brought forth from my parents' home into ours.

Happy New Year!!!