Summer Plans - Again (and Again!)

The official start of summer is tomorrow, so I was writing a "Summer Plans" related article for our blog, but halfway through it, I remembered we posted on the subject last year!

Reading it again, the most important paragraph for me is still the last one in the post: "There is no particular science to this. Overall, try not to micro-manage every waking moment and give them free time to play on their own and be creative!"

You can read the article by clicking here.

Have a great summer!

What Teenagers Really Need

We see our teenagers taller, stronger, more independent, forming their own point of view about things. They are helping around more, learning how to drive - they still have a long way to go...

• They still need limits, supervision, they still need to obey us, they need our advise and our approval, they need to see that we respect their ideas and their well being.
• They require our example, to see that we use good manners  and are fair when we enter into a discussion with them or when we are reprimanding them. 
• They need to know that we love them no matter what their grades are, if they get a place in the team or not, or if they get accepted into an Ivy League school or not.  
• They need to hear and get the same message from mom and from dad.

Teenagers - Binge Drinking - Spring Break

Spring break is one of those holidays in which - "traditionally" - teenagers engage in binge drinking, drug abuse and more. Imagine the freedom they feel: turning 16 with no "responsibilities", having everything: cell phones, enough money, even a car. They can "do whatever they want".  They go on group trips and parties.  The first drinks generally break the ice and, since they are very well aware that their behavior is illegal, it gives them an additional adrenaline rush and makes them think they are in control, "like grown-ups";  it's "fun".  But they are not and it isn't.


In their excitement  and ignorance about the consequences of their actions, they do vodka and tequila shots on empty stomachs, they mix different kinds of drinks and when they try to stand-up,  they pass out; it's too late. Consequences of this behavior can be dangerous and serious, they can include life or death situations, because rarely do their drinking buddies call 911 in case of an emergency occurs, because either they are too intoxicated and cannot identify the situation as an emergency, or they fear getting caught doing something they know to be illegal.


When our teenagers have to face all of this, the question is: can they make the right decisions and avoid these behaviors? Every parenting act (or omission) comes to bear now. It is now when our children look back at what we told them (or didn't)  for a reason to avoid this harmful behavior or just "go for it!"; we can only hope that whatever we told them as parents will help them do the right thing when they encounter these situations.

Selling Ideas at Home - Happiness!

I recently read the article "The Business of Happiness" by Nancy Cook in the excellent Fast Company magazine.

The article explains how the anticipation of a pleasurable experience feels as good as finishing an onerous task (like a marathon or an exam). They discovered that a meaningful experience such as volunteering often makes people happier than moments of pure pleasure.

Unknowingly, it seems that we have being trying to apply these concepts while raising our children. Kids like to feel happiness through meaningful experience - helping Dad finish an almost impossible job, for example, organizing the garage, or mowing the lawn. Helping mom fix a closet. These are volunteering kind of experiences that will make them feel happy and proud about "helping mom and dad", rather than just a moment of pleasure, like giving them money to buy some candy or an iTunes app.

The article goes on to mention that studies have found that happiness for young people is about excitement and that happiness for adults is about peacefulness. When "selling" an idea, a house rule, it is much better done through this kind of process - believe me, we've tried them all. Playing with a young child in order to get him to fix the bed together before leaving to school is better than yelling at him "go do your bed or else you will be late for school!!!!". It is also generally faster and you make sure it's done.

Playing some music, singing and dancing silly old songs while fixing the dishes is a more playful, joyful and fun way of making them do the dishes, rather than fighting over who did the dishes yesterday and whose turn it is today. All of them will rather have fun at the kitchen with whoever is making this playful time, than go somewhere else.

Happiness is in our hearts; make somebody else happy and you will be happy too!

The Best Christmas Gift

Thinking about Christmas gifts, we ran out of ideas for one of our children.  They have what they need, but they deserve a lot more; they are great, hard working, fun, normal children. Then I started wondering what was my best Christmas gift when I was a child and I remembered my wonderful snow cone machine. I know my mom and dad worked hard to buy the best possible toys, or watches, the best gift they could imagine for us, but the truth is that for me, the best gifts have been my brother and sisters, the friends I have made, my family, the knowledge I received from my good and bad teachers, all those experiences. 

The best gifts are definitely moments, not things:  time together, experiences together. This Christmas try talking to your children while cooking rather that yelling at them to go play outside. Make plans to watch a movie together at home and listen and enjoy their comments, even when you have seen this movie over and over. Cuddle together inside the bed sheets while the snow storm passes by. Wrap the presents together, even when they might not look as neat as you would like. Shop online as much as you can and spend that extra time with your husband or wife. 

Enjoy the season and be thankful for all your gifts.

Merry Christmas!

Our Children and Drugs - Reality Hits

Some of us never had any contact with illegal drugs when we were teenagers. Unfortunately, this is not the case for our kids today.  I went to a talk on drugs a week ago and reality hit me: children as young as 11 years old can encounter a situation related to drugs up to 2 times a day, every day, depending on the city where they live. It has become more and more "normal" to talk about who went to the emergency room this weekend because of an overdose... even among kids in the same schools as my children's and their friends.

According to the experts, this alarming state of affairs is due to the lack of structure, nonexistence of solid rules and the absence of a good role model to follow at home, along with the normal teenage phases of not belonging and trying to understand who they are.

Things are not easy for us as parents, especially if we are going through an economic crisis, or a serious illness we have to deal with in the family, or struggling through a divorce. But all of these real problems, that unchecked help to make our kids more vulnerable to drugs, should not be an excuse for us to be lacking in our important duties as parents.

It seems that we are unable or afraid to say "NO" to our children. Our kids, as young as 10 or 11 years old, have access to all the gadgets, cellphones, laptops, money, freedom that we did not have access to until we were into our twenties, but without the maturity and experience of a twenty year old. We have to be much more assertive, but this is not enough.

Dr. Marcela Brown - a leading expert in drug prevention dealing daily with the realities of teenage addicts -  told us during the talk that in her experience, the only way to save our children from drugs is to rely on faith and family.   By fortifying our relationship with God, connecting with Him and teaching this relationship to our children, when the time comes and they are tested, not only will they have the strength to know the right thing to do, but will realize that they are an important part of their family; an example for their brothers, sisters and friends to follow. If we can provide guidance in this effort and turn it into a life project, they will have a better chance to avoid the scourge of drugs.

Action Plan:

• Connect with your children.
• Have more dinners and lunches together as a family (and turn the TV off).
• Tell them every day how important they are to you.
• Show them structure and limits - don't be afraid of being a parent. 
• Read, study, prepare, pray.
• Tell them often that we are depending on them, that the whole family could fall apart if one of us fails, so each one of us should strive to succeed, so our family can triumph.

There are a lot of bad people trying to do the wrong things for the wrong reasons, but there are a lot of good people willing to help and do the right thing too. We can do it!

Money Management

Even though I have a business degree, my husband studied economics and both of us have worked in the banking industry, I have to say that it is REALLY hard to teach money management to your own children. You walk through the house and see dollar bills and coins on their desks, in the bathroom drawer, on the kitchen table; they have no clue how hard it is to earn a dollar.  When our seven year old boy asks me to buy something and I say I don't have money, he replies: "go to the ATM", and I laugh.

For children money is mysterious and saving is an alien concept.  Saving is hard for everybody; it means that I have to say NO today so I can get what I want tomorrow. It sounds crazy to them. We try to tell them that it requires courage and discipline to do it, but later when you see how much you have saved for your goal, it will feel great.

It is a constant struggle: we are always telling them to save 30% of their allowance, donate 10%, and use the rest wisely. We are always trying to encourage them to start a business:  DJ, photographer, babysitter, delivery boy, cookie factory... the sky is the limit.

In the book  "Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age" by Daniel J. Kindlon,  the author talks about how hard it is for people to teach their children sobriety, temperance on an era where parents don't know how to say no to their children. There is a great story in the book about a very wealthy father who made his son pay for his own college education and after his graduation, he gave him back all the money his son had spent over those 4 years so he could start his own business.

I hope you enjoy reading this book as much as I did.