I have to admit that I am panicking with the idea that my fifteen year old daughter is about to be at that age where she can take the wheel and drive on her own... I know we did learn at the same age, but I remember myself being more focused on the actual driving... I feel like my daughter is more focused on the mirror (looking how good she looks driving!), trying to find the right radio station, the right song, than on the road ahead.
The truth is that between the ages of 16 and 18, is the ideal sensitive period to learn how to drive, grow in responsibility, social justice, help others, friendship; so it is the perfect time - see my previous post on "When to teach what?"
Driving is not only transporting yourself on a car from one place to another, it is the responsibility that you have to do it well for your own safety and the safety of others: the ones in your car and the ones sharing the road with you. It is respecting the law and following the rules.
Concentration, NO texting, NO drinking and driving, NO speeding, returning the car home with a full tank of gas and on time are obvious rules that MUST be followed. Driving can be fun, but it also means helping with home errands and carpools and being thankful to your parents for giving you the privilege of letting you drive. The 'privilege of driving', as the sign at the DMV says, is something you earn and you must understand its meaning.
We must start early, building trust so when the time comes, he or she can be a safe, responsible an excellent driver. Good luck!
Only 12 years old and we are talking about boyfriends or girlfriends? How innocent and fun it can be if it is addressed correctly. We are talking probably around 6th or 7th grade. Yes, it can be somebody from school, a neighbor, his or her best friend's brother or sister, hopefully somebody you know.
And I wonder, how can I prepare my children to manage this relationship correctly? We are not talking about formality, we are talking about respect, fun, setting the foundations for future relationships.
Let’s start by talking to them about the definition of friend and friendship: a friend is a person you know well and regard with affection and trust; who provides assistance; a person who backs you; and friendship is a type of interpersonal relationship that is found among humans and among animals with rich intelligence. Friends will seek out each others company and exhibit mutually helping behavior. A friend is somebody that leads you to the right path, so that probably this first step towards a person of the other gender, is more like the discovery of a good friend. The beginnings of commitment, of trust.
Then let's talk to them about respect for themselves, for their intimacy, for their belongings; their body is not something that they can experiment or play with. Not everything that they do to their body can be undone, tell them not to play with it. This is serious. Feelings: they are great, memorable, exciting, but their brain has to have control over them. Their body will express their feelings and their brain has to learn to manage them.
As a parent, be vigilant, strive to have a fluent communication with your children and insist on inviting their friends over. Group plans are mandatory, couple plans are forbidden. Lots of sports, plenty of enrichment programs, art, music, other languages, will keep their minds busy and growing.
Try not to get too involved, remember that these first relationships will, in most cases, end faster than you think. Discretely, try to prepare your kids for the most likely eventual break-up, so it won’t hurt that much.
Soon there will be another one. Good luck to us all!
The wonderful Pam Stenzel has great books and DVDs that are VERY HELPFUL in these challenging times. We HIGHLY recommend them.
We have become parents of teenagers.
A new and daunting stage in our marriage is upon us.
We have found out very quickly that it is very important to set limits, but also at this age we have to be able to explain to them clearly why it is important to have a curfew and house rules. A teenager will no longer accept the always useful, up to now: "because I say so, period".
I remember how it was for me when I was a teen; we went to a great party and it seemed that we had to leave when the fun was about to begin. I still can recall the feeling of frustration caused by having to leave the great music, new friends, dance, food. The certainty that something really exciting would happen when I left and I would miss it!!! I had to do anything to stay past curfew... sound familiar?
I just read this great book by Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D. "Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager". I highly recommended it as an excellent guide to understanding the teenagers' literal metamorphosis during their teenage years and our role in preventing a huge disaster.
As Dr. Wolf writes in his book: "Prior to adolescence, when a child screws up, the worst that can happen is that he will suffer...But during adolescence mistakes are not so easily forgotten or forgiven by the world. They can count. To do badly in school, to succumb to drugs or alcohol, to allow oneself to become pregnant, all can lead to problems affecting the rest of one's life. Mistakes in adolescence not only can hurt; they can cause problems that do not go away."
Teenagers know they will make mistakes, they also know that we love them and that is why we have these rules. They can't stand to have someone telling them what to do. They want to be on their own and to be trusted. Dr. Wolf says: "In general, the judgement of a teenager is not as good as that of an adult. An adolescent simply has not been through it before. Even with parental controls teenager will still make bad decisions, but without such controls there is no question they will make even more bad decisions."
"And yet it is precisely this parental concern which assures that their children do not feel alone." Someone is watching over them.
So (we are finding out the hard way), setting limits and having written house rules are a very important part of parenting teens.
How can we prevent our kids from being exposed to drugs and alcohol? We see them everywhere. Kids today don't even have to go far away into a dark dangerous neighborhood to find them. Today, they can be doing the wrong things for the wrong reasons, in our own home, in our own community center or around the pizza shop in the corner.
There are all kinds of easy ways for our children to find them: a car that stops by and gives some signals - the deal is done. There are others, almost their own age that hop in and out parties, deal with the kids and leave, or it could even be some very trusted person at school. The fact is that it looks like there is nowhere to hide.
Perhaps the best we can do to help them prepare for what they are bound to face almost every day, is to provide them with strong beliefs, the right reasons to fight for and the assurance that they are not alone, that they have our support, that they have the grace of God.
I have been able to talk to mine ahead of time when they are eight or nine and then constantly afterwards, giving them examples on what to do if..., telling them that God gave us a body that we have to respect, take good care of it, exercise, eat healthy and don't introduce harmful things to it like alcohol, tobacco, drugs, piercings, tattoos.
Show them how truly happy people don't need any of those things to be happy - and hope for the best.
I have being doing some research on how can we raise our children to be responsible, proactive, positive leaders in our communities.
We should focus on teaching them key competences such as:
- Communication skills, how can they express themselves so their message reaches out to the people they want to communicate with.
- Conflict resolution, so they can see problems with the right perspective, not enlarging them or diminishing them.
- Self-confidence, sometimes being different is being better, not acting on certain way just because everybody is doing it; think, analyze, measure consequences and then act.
- Being pro-active, to actively participate in community service projects, use their talents, skills and time to help others.
- Act facing God at all times, being responsible for their acts and consequences, making sure that He is with them in every step of the way, to help and guide them in the right direction.
- Time management, prioritizing God first, family second, school work third and then their social life. Learning on how to keep an agenda so they can be sure that there is time to do everything that is needed to be done, to do things on time, to have time to be with everybody else.
We need leaders that can help others reach their goals, leaders that can put their talents and privileges at the service to others and pass their experience and knowledge to future generations.
We need strong, confident, intelligent, well prepared, talented, virtuous leaders among us.
Wow! I just came back from an awesome talk during my monthly retreat at my parish. This great person came and talked to us about being sincere and truthful. She explained how the word "sincere" had its roots on several theories that have been advanced to explain the derivation of the word, but none has been substantiated!
The most common explanation assigns the genesis of the word to the Latin sincerus, meaning "pure" or "clean", but many etymologists state that sincere is a compounding of sine cera, which means "without wax". According to this "folk etymology", in the time of the ancient Romans, devious dealers in marble and pottery would conceal defects in their products by filling the cracks and holes with wax. Honest merchants, who did not doctor their products, proudly displayed their wares as being without wax; that is, they were sine cera. I found this explanation to be enlightening and amazing, because if you think about the times when you have had to tell a lie, it usually is when you want to show something that you are not. You are most likely covering imperfections.
Every word we say and everything we do is a reflection of our own heart and conscience. It is very important to fill our inner life with good things, with God, good things to read, good intentions, good and positive thoughts - so our acts will be a reflection of the true good heart that we have worked on.
Sincerity gives us freedom to be the true person we are, to accomplish the projects we would like to see accomplished, to be the abnegated mother, lover and friend that we want to be. The truth goes together with the "why". Why am I serving this breakfast? Why am I taking my children to the park? In the answers we can see if we are acting only because "that is what moms do", because "I have to" or because "I love to see my children grow and play because I really want to."
Whoever gives love, time, comfort, can't go around asking for payback, because nobody told you to do so, you did it because you wanted to do it. If you are doing things for the wrong reasons you are being a hypocrite and that can't make you happy.
When we talk with our kids, specially our teenagers and find out that they are sad, uncomfortable with themselves, displaying low self esteem, then we should work, not only on their outer selves: the clothes, weight, lack of exercise, but most importantly, we have to help them find out their "whys". We have to help them find out what is really inside of them; help them be truthful to themselves, help them peel away the wax.
I was just reading Dr. Dan Kindlon and Dr. Michael Thompson's excellent book "Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys". When they talk about emotional literacy, they say that "learning involves recognizing the look and feeling of our emotions, then using this skill to better understand ourselves and others. We learn to appreciate life's emotional complexity and this enhances all our professional and personal relationships, helping us to strengthen the connections that enriches our lives."
Usually moms worry about cliques and social competition among their girls and are more relaxed about young boys that seem to be alright, but the truth is that boys also do struggle with the same painful feelings of failure, rejection and not belonging. When they can't hold the pain any longer, they act on it. Their inner turmoil is expressed in academic failure, depression, drug addiction, alcoholism, troubled relationships and worse.
It is usually very hard, even for most adults, to understand, for example, the difference between frustration and anger, deception and hate. We have to help our children, specially our boys, to be reflective: stop, think, understand, measure the different alternatives and their consequence and then act.
We also have to teach our children to: "first, identify and name our emotions; second, recognize the emotional content of voice and facial expression or body language and third understand the situation or reactions that produce emotional states".
Just imagine how many hours of painful and pointless arguments between future husbands and wives can be avoided if we can help them now - when they are still children - to become emotionally literate and to master their communication skills with their parents, friends and siblings.